Circumspection of Topic
Ministering to the Elderly Conference 2026

Family, Faith and Forgiveness: 
From Estrangement to Reconciliation

Asking and granting forgiveness is a fundamental value in all the great religious traditions. At its root, reconciliation is motivated not only by the fundamental ethical obligations we have to one another — especially among family members — but also by the religious idea of peace, which is critical to the proper functioning of any society.

We do not choose our families, and like any primary relationship, they are sometimes characterized by conflict, dysfunction and even abuse. Yet, in our modern age —focused on self-care and liberating ourselves from toxic influences — many choose to unburden themselves of the complicated work of navigating these relationships. While there are relationships that are deeply unhealthy and for which separation is perhaps warranted, we see generations of families in which children do not speak to parents, siblings do not speak to one another and grandchildren do not speak to grandparents. The painful impact of family estrangement threatens the nurturing bonds that family can potentially provide, often leaving parents grieving the loss of a child who is still living, as well as children who lack support networks and are left to navigate life unrooted.

Family dynamics and tensions are not new. Indeed, the second half of the book of Genesis is the story of a family divided: Joseph and his brothers, siblings “who could not speak to one another in peace”(37:4). Ultimately, these deep-rooted family dynamics, informed by multiple generations of trauma, led to unspeakable acts of betrayal. Yet, by the end of the book, we see both the offenders and the offended finding ways to heal the brokenness. Without these healing gestures, the 12 brothers would never have coalesced into the 12 tribes of Israel. The entire book of Genesis is riddled with family conflict, inviting the reader to consider both healthy and unhealthy coping strategies. If Genesis opens with the fratricide of Cain and Abel, it closes with an individual who has the power to strike back (Joseph, as viceroy of Egypt) and yet finds within himself the capacity to hold back, to create a space for reconciliation and to allow a new narrative of healing for the entire family.

How, precisely, do families forgive and reconcile? How do we overcome estrangement and prevent a complete breakdown in communication?

This question is especially important as parents age. The Fifth Commandment underscores the fundamental obligation of filial loyalty and rabbinic tradition expresses that these obligations are especially relevant as parents age, even when those parents are sometimes problematic.

According to one of the leading family sociologists in America, Karl Pillemer, PhD, more than one quarter of Americans — 27 percent —report being estranged from a family member. Around 10 percent are estranged from a parent or child, which extrapolates to 25 million people. Eighty-five percent report being estranged for a year or more, and fully half of respondents had not contacted that family member for four years or more. All too often, family members have feuded for decades but can no longer remember the real source of the hurt or pain.

From a sociological standpoint, especially as our society grows older, it will be an absolute necessity to strengthen the bonds of relationship. This will include strengthening the capacity of family members to navigate conflict, ask for forgiveness and forgive. We will need family members to work together and care for one another.

From a psychological standpoint, as we move forward with our lives, unresolved grief affects us even more deeply and often results in medical complications as well. If we help estranged families and offer opportunities for conversation, we can help ease the psychological stresses of “losing” a family member to estrangement.

Our conference will consider the psychological and spiritual value of forgiveness and reconciliation. Among the questions we will consider:

• What are the real psychological and health impacts of the inability to forgive?
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What are the costs of estrangement in terms of how one lives one’s life?
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What is the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation? How does one engage in a process of reimagining relationships that allows avenues of coexistence?
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How do we manage conflicting narratives of lived experience among family members, often when those narratives exclude the possibility of reconciliation?
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What do religious traditions teach about the value of forgiveness?

• Should we forgive someone who has not asked for forgiveness? Are there limits to forgiving? What are those boundaries?

• How can we create strategies to encourage the possibility of communication? What modalities can we adopt?

Finally, we are living in a time of deep war and conflict, global struggles often described as conflicts “between brothers.” What are the implications of our examination for our ongoing work of tikkun olam, repairing a world all too often marked by discord and conflict? How do peacemaking efforts on a micro level touch upon the larger peace work we must do on a macro level?